My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
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The funk soul brother
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
kevin is now a local weatherman
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.