*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
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Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Comparing yourself to others
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Challenge accepted.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.