Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
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TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Straight people are cancelled
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…