[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
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The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Brands during Pride
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”