Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
You Might Also Like
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.