“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
You Might Also Like
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
He-man has a Masters degree
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.