Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
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In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.