time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
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betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Good morning!
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.