Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
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If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay