I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
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[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Said the murderer.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that