The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
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if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT