I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
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Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Succinctly put.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.