Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
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[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Dead sexy!!
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.