Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
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[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”