*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
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Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Digital security in Ancient Troy