I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
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A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Shortcut
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right