*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
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Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”