What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
You Might Also Like
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
X-tra spooky blend
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Usage Guidelines
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.