[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
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Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no