my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
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Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.