Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
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Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that