The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
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The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.