A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
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[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
584.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Everyone’s family
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My dress code is business-casualty.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.