I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
You Might Also Like
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.