I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
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(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you