Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
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7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house