Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
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He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
This classic never gets old . . .
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Only a mother’s love …
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂