I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
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A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away