I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
You Might Also Like
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I need a headline like this
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal