MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
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Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!