ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
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Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny