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When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
That’s what I call a flat tire
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Coffee for people with no kids
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.