Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
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9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.