Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
You Might Also Like
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
marvel comics have peaked
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]