Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Velcrow
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.