Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
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Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
May never get over this
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.