911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
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Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
constantly working on myself.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?