My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
You Might Also Like
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Breaking news:
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
23. the denim jacket
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.