Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
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who’s ready for the long weeknd?
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.