Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
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[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
The symmetry is uncanny.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
As the Lord intended
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.