‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
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What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
what my late-night hot pocket sees
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.