A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
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Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Jupiter
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.