My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
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Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.