“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
You Might Also Like
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I just tested negative for patience.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
That 👊
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
dogs can find happiness so easily