If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
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INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Breaking news:
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”