Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
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Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
adding to the discourse
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring