My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
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The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
#MeanwhileinCanada
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.