If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
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There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
This hospital has everything
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.