Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
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me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?