of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
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Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.